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Guest blog with Kali Brgant, Clinical Mental Health therapist



Navigating Fertility Challenges: How it emotionally impacts couples and what to do about it


The journey of building a family can be filled with profound joy, anticipation, and love. However, for many couples, the path to parenthood may be met with unexpected hurdles and fertility challenges. Such difficulties can affect their relationships, causing emotional, psychological, and physical strain. As a Licensed Clinical Mental Health therapist, Kali Brgant of Wisdom Within You, I have witnessed how fertility challenges impact couples from all walks of life. We will explore the profound impact of infertility on relationships, the importance of couples therapy in fostering resilience, and how methods like the Gottman approach and somatic work can help couples communicate and heal during this delicate journey.


Fertility challenges can undoubtedly test the strength of a relationship, whether in heterosexual couples, LGBTQIA+ individuals, or single women and men pursuing parenthood. As a licensed clinical mental health therapist, I have observed how couples therapy can provide a nurturing and transformative space for partners to navigate the emotional complexities of infertility together. By fostering open communication, promoting empathy, and addressing underlying attachment patterns, couples can emerge from this challenging journey with a deeper emotional connection and greater resilience, regardless of the outcome. Remember, you are not alone on this path, and seeking professional support can make all the difference in nurturing your relationship and finding hope amidst the challenges.


Understanding the Impact of Fertility Challenges

Infertility can be a profoundly isolating and emotionally distressing experience for individuals and couples alike. For heterosexual couples, the inability to conceive may challenge societal norms and expectations surrounding traditional family structures. Similarly, for LGBTQIA+ individuals and single women or men, the inability to conceive may bring unique struggles as they navigate alternative paths to parenthood.


Sexual Intimacy and Emotional Connection

Fertility challenges can significantly affect sexual intimacy and emotional connection within relationships. The pressure to conceive may shift the dynamics between partners, causing sexual intimacy to become goal-oriented and less spontaneous. For some, the emotional toll of fertility treatments and failed attempts can create feelings of inadequacy, blame, and guilt. These emotions may, in turn, lead to a decrease in physical intimacy and emotional distance between partners.


Health Awareness from Both Partners

Couples facing fertility challenges must adopt a shared responsibility for health awareness. In heterosexual couples, the focus on female reproductive health is expected. Still, it is vital to recognize that male fertility also plays a crucial role. Inclusive conversations about both partners' health can reduce stigmatization and promote a supportive environment during this vulnerable time. For LGBTQIA+ couples and single women and men exploring assisted reproductive options, open dialogue with healthcare professionals becomes paramount to understanding the available choices and selecting the best approach for their unique circumstances.


Navigating External Pressures

Infertility challenges can expose individuals and couples to external pressures from family, friends, and society. Well-meaning but misguided advice and questions about when they will have children can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and frustration. Moreover, societal expectations and cultural norms may influence decisions about family-building options, adding further complexity to the journey.


The Role of Menstruation

For heterosexual couples, menstruation can become a monthly reminder of their difficulties in conceiving. Each cycle's emotional and physical toll can impact partners differently, potentially leading to misunderstandings and further strain on the relationship. For LGBTQIA+ individuals and single women and men, this process may carry its own emotions as they navigate different paths toward parenthood.


Attachment Styles and Communication

Attachment styles, rooted in early childhood experiences, play a significant role in how individuals navigate relationships. Emotional intensity can trigger these attachment patterns when fertility challenges arise, impacting couples' communication and coping strategies. Insecure attachment styles may lead to increased conflict, emotional withdrawal, or attempts to handle the stress separately, further distancing partners from each other.


The Role of Couples Therapy

Couples therapy can be a transformative space for couples facing fertility challenges. Integrating methods like the Gottman approach and somatic work can provide practical tools to enhance communication, strengthen emotional bonds, and develop healthy coping mechanisms. The Gottman method emphasizes the importance of emotional attunement, conflict resolution, and fostering positive partner interactions. On the other hand, somatic work acknowledges the mind-body connection. It helps individuals process emotions that may be stored in the body due to the stress of infertility.


Addressing Emotional and Psychological Distress

In couples therapy, partners can openly discuss their grief, loss, and frustration related to fertility challenges. As a therapist, I often encourage couples to share their experiences, validate each other's emotions, and cultivate empathy. This process can help normalize their emotional responses, reducing feelings of isolation and fostering a deeper emotional connection.


Strengthening Communication and Resilience

Through couples therapy, partners can learn effective communication strategies that facilitate active listening and constructive expression of emotions. Understanding each other's attachment styles allows couples to recognize when specific stressors trigger unhelpful patterns and work together to build healthier coping mechanisms.


Promoting Self-Care and Support

In the face of fertility challenges, partners must engage in self-care practices and seek support outside the relationship. Couples therapy can empower individuals to identify and communicate their emotional needs to their partners. Additionally, therapy can provide resources for support groups or individual counseling to help individuals process their experiences independently.


Expanding Support Networks

In addition to couples therapy, fostering a supportive network is crucial for individuals and couples facing fertility challenges. Surrounding themselves with understanding and empathetic friends, family members, or support groups can provide a safe space to share experiences, seek advice, and reduce feelings of isolation. As a licensed clinical mental health therapist, I often encourage clients to explore such support networks, helping them connect with others on the fertility journey. The shared experiences and emotional support gained from these connections can be incredibly validating and empowering.


Coping with Grief and Loss

Infertility can bring forth a profound sense of grief and loss as couples face the disappointment of failed attempts and unrealized dreams of parenthood. Acknowledging and processing these emotions is an essential aspect of couples therapy. It is necessary to allow partners to grieve in their ways and at their own pace while also creating space for understanding and compassion.

Couples therapy can assist partners in navigating the complexities of grief and loss, helping them find ways to support each other through the emotional rollercoaster. Sometimes, alternative paths to parenthood may emerge, such as adoption or surrogacy, and couples therapy can aid in exploring these options together.


Embracing Different Paths to Parenthood

For LGBTQIA+ couples and single women and men, fertility challenges may necessitate exploring alternative paths to parenthood, such as assisted reproductive technologies, adoption, or surrogacy. Couples therapy can provide a supportive environment for partners to explore these options, addressing fears, hopes, and expectations. Together, they can make informed decisions that align with their values and desired family-building outcomes.


Empowering Communication and Decision-Making

During the journey through infertility, partners may have differing opinions on treatments, timing, or other aspects of family-building. Couples therapy can empower partners to openly communicate their preferences, fears, and boundaries, fostering mutual respect and understanding. Through empathetic communication, couples can collaboratively make informed decisions that reflect the best interests of both individuals and their relationship.


Finding a Sense of Control

Fertility challenges can lead to feelings of powerlessness and uncertainty. Couples therapy can provide tools to help partners regain control of their lives. By focusing on what they can actively influence, such as self-care, emotional expression, and communication, partners can develop a greater sense of agency, even in the face of adversity.


Dealing with External Influences

As mentioned earlier, external pressures and societal expectations can exacerbate the emotional strain of fertility challenges. Couples therapy can equip partners with practical strategies to address and manage these influences. Establishing healthy boundaries with well-meaning family and friends, developing coping mechanisms for dealing with insensitive comments, and focusing on their unique journey can shield partners from unnecessary stress.


Embracing Growth and Resilience

While fertility challenges can be tricky, they can also offer an opportunity for personal growth and resilience within the relationship. Couples therapy can facilitate this growth by helping partners reframe their experiences, find meaning, and cultivate gratitude for the aspects of their relationship that remain strong and supportive.


The impacts of fertility challenges on couples' relationships are complex and emotionally charged. Whether in heterosexual couples, LGBTQIA+ individuals, or single women and men, navigating infertility requires open communication, understanding, and resilience. Couples therapy, utilizing methods like the Gottman approach and somatic work, can be a transformative resource in supporting partners through the emotional rollercoaster of infertility.


By fostering emotional connection, addressing attachment styles, and promoting self-awareness, couples therapy empowers partners to communicate effectively and navigate challenges together. Through integrating a supportive network, coping with grief, embracing different paths to parenthood, and reclaiming a sense of control, couples can find strength in their relationship amidst the trials of infertility.

As a licensed clinical mental health therapist, I encourage those facing fertility challenges to seek professional support, build a supportive network, and remember that their journey is unique and deserving of understanding and compassion. Together, with resilience, love, and hope, couples can navigate the path to parenthood, fostering a stronger, more connected relationship.


Kali Brgant, MA, is a Licensed Clinical Mental Health Clinician based in Vermont and owner of Wisdom Within You. She is a Holistic Psychotherapist who supports couples and young women in navigating life challenges and helps her clients live a life rooted in their inner wisdom. She offers 1:1 therapy, couples therapy, and relationship courses. You can also find her on the Insight Timer App.



Kali Brgant, MA(802) 335-2299 56 W Twin Oaks Terrace Suite 3 South Burlington, Vermont Wisdom Within You Therapy

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